Is this a miscarriage?

Out of eight pregnancies, two of mine ended in miscarriage.  They were quick, to-the-point miscarriages that happened in those first few weeks of pregnancy.  One, I wasn't even aware of until after the fact.  Did I mourn?  Sure, but the intensity cannot touch what some of my friends have experienced as they have suffered much lengthier miscarriages or deaths of their infants or children. 

I've walked alongside women as they have experienced this pain.  I've been bedside with some, and for others simply prayed as I've watched them receive sufficient grace in their time of trial.  

I've delivered a baby seven weeks early and had to leave her in the hospital receiving oxygen and gaining weight balancing "kangaroo care" in the NICU with caring for an active toddler.  I've rushed this same one to the hospital when she began to turn blue due to a very low O2 saturation level because of a respiratory virus. 

I've experienced bleeding and cramping, sure that a miscarriage is imminent, to have an ultrasound reveal that the baby was just fine.   But, it took weeks before I truly believed that the baby was just fine.

We are at such a place with Katya.  This morning, we had a phone conversation scheduled with her (Liliya translating).  We made the phone call, but Katya wasn't there.  Her grandmother had her for the weekend, but has not yet returned her to the orphanage. 

Folks around us make no promises, but assure us that this sort of thing always happens with adoption.  "It's a bumpy road," they say.

A friend who is currently adopting from Ethiopia, reminded me of a conversation we had months ago.  She asked me if I was worried about fully engaging with Katya knowing that the possibility of having my "hopes dashed" was very real.  I told her that I didn't want to hold back because of what God might do as I surrendered my heart to love this little girl, to welcome her with open arms, open home, open heart. 

So, we have, and now we're in a place of raw vulnerability.  I feel like I'm bleeding and cramping.  Our  hearts are out there.  We're committed.  We're invested.  We have said, "Yes" and we've opened ourselves to the pain of potential loss. 

The ultrasound says that the pregnancy is not over.  No assurances are being given.  But we're prayerfully moving forward with the hope that this adoption will not end in miscarriage.