Teaching Your Kids to Ask Forgiveness in Three Steps

Last night Bill and I went out on a date.  With the cooler temps, Katya decided that a fire was in order for the evening.  The only problem with this is that she has been specifically told not to build fires.  Not only is there absolutely no fire-building while neither Bill nor I are home, but Katya because of some pyro-fascination qualities has been banned from all fire-building.

When Bill and I got home, I noticed the remnants of an attempted fire in the fireplace, but also a brand-new but crumpled up World Magazine on the coffee table.

So, this morning, after a little investigation, I asked Katya to bring the magazine to me.  With the crumpled up World Magazine in hand, she came to me.

Me:  Katya, can you help me understand what happened with the magazine?

Katya:  It's just a magazine.  

Me:  It is a magazine.  Can you help me understand what happened with it?

Katya:  I used it to try and start a fire.

Me:  Okay.  Good.  That helps me understand what happened.  So, you tried to start a fire with this magazine.  What do you think?  Good idea or bad idea?

Katya:  Bad idea.

Me:  Why do you think that was a bad idea?

Katya:  I don't know.  

Well, she does know.  And I know she knows.  So, she gets a little time to remember that she does, in fact, know why starting a fire with this magazine was a bad idea.

When she remembers, she comes back to me.

Me:  So, Honey, you remember why starting a fire with the magazine was a bad idea?

Katya:  Yes.

Me:  Okay, so tell me.

Katya:  I'm not supposed to start fires, right?

Me:  Right.  And what about the magazine.

Katya:  I don't know.

Me:  Really?  You don't know? 

I think she does, but that she could use a bit more instruction.

Me:  Whose magazine is this?

Katya:  Yours?

Me:  Well, mine, but also Daddy's.  Is it your magazine?

Katya:  No.

Me:  So, how do you like it when somebody messes up something of yours?

Katya:  I don't.  I guess I shouldn't have torn up the magazine.  

Me:  I guess not.  So what do you think you should do?

Katya:  Ask forgiveness.  

So, now it's time to ask forgiveness in three steps.  For Katya, I'm still coaching her through this process, so she gets prompts.

1. What did you do?

Mom, I wanted to build a fire and so I started using your magazine to build a fire.

2.  Why is it wrong?

I shouldn't have done this because I'm not allowed to build fires.  That's not safe and you and Dad have told me not to build fires.  And I shouldn't have used your magazine to build a fire because it's your magazine and not mine.

3.  What are you going to do about it?

Mom, I'm really sorry.  Will you forgive me?  

Of course I forgive you, Honey.  Just don't do it again.

Big hugs, big smiles, and off you go.

Now, sometimes restoration needs to take place.  I could have had her buy me a new magazine, or tape it back together, or bring in firewood to build another fire.  But, I chose not to.  I felt like getting honest with what she'd done and saying why it was wrong was enough.  That's hard work.  

This three-step forgiveness process isn't just for kids.  It's for us too.  When we do something wrong, we need to be able to simply state what we did wrong without cover-up, making excuses, or blaming somebody else.  We need to own our stuff.  

Then we need to be able to verbalize why it was wrong and possibly even the effect our choices had on someone else.  That's a bit beyond Katya's maturity level, but that would have looked something like this:

Mom, I shouldn't have used your magazine to build a fire because it's your magazine and not mine.  And I know that you look forward to reading your magazine.  I kind of messed that up for you. 

Once we've stated the facts, and why our actions were wrong, we need to verbalize what we're going to do about it.  It could simply be an apology and request for forgiveness.  It could be replacing something that we broke or damaged.  It could be a commitment to do our best to not to the wrong thing again.  It could be an admission that we need help to overcome a bad habit that has hurt our relationship with the other person.  It could be putting a safeguard in place to keep us from going down that hurtful path again.  

My hope, as a mom, is that by getting this three-step forgiveness process into the heads of my kids that they'll be able to move into adulthood owning their mistakes, failures, and yes, their sin.  But I'm not satisfied with them just being able to own their stuff.  I want them to consider their own heart, why they did what they did, and how their actions impact other people.  And then be willing to take responsibility to do what they can to make it right. 

So, what does forgiveness look like in your family?  Do you think that this three-step forgiveness process could be helpful for you?  For your marriage?  For your children?