"Not this"

That was my attitude toward homeschooling earlier this year as Bill and I faced personal weariness from such an intense year.  It wasn't simply our adoption of Katya, but also ...

* church stress

* marital strain

* parenting disconnect

many of which rose during and through the adoption process.

*For a church, it's hard for the pastor to be out of the country for over six weeks.

*For a marriage, it's hard to nurture your relationship when you are in frontline wartime mentality.

*For parenting, it's hard to maintain connectedness when you're separated by an ocean for weeks.

Arriving back with Katya on November 18, we began to pull our family back together, assess the damage, and move forward.  We haven't done it perfectly.  At all.  The Refiner's Fire continued to heat up our hearts and draw impurities to the surface.   Seeing our sin, our fraility, our gaps was what we wanted, but oh so painful.  In the process, we began to see how very weary we really were.

At weekly marriage counseling, we explored this weariness and the deep causes of it.  We discussed the need for rest, for placing our burdens on Christ, for taking every extraneous thing out of our schedule for the purpose of connecting with God, connecting with each other, and connecting with our children.  And then, my husband made the very innocent comment, "I wonder whether you can get this rest and keep on homeschooling."

My heart clenched.  My fingers wrapped tightly around this decision we had made years ago.  I remembered a conversation we had  once when we were facing financial pressures.  We had agreed that we would sell our house rather than give up homeschooling.  We have LOVED what homeschooling has done for our family.  We know our kids.  They know each other.  Before Sara Maria entered Covenant in 10th grade and Grace started at PVCC, we had flexibility.  We have been able to teach what we wanted to teach in the way we wanted to teach it.

Not this.   This is untouchable.  My heart grabbed.  My fists squeezed tight.  I held my breath.  And I knew, I just knew ... this was NOT where God would lead.

(To be continued)